Looking deep into my soul – I’m confused,
I’m going deeper and deeper past the good things, into the lower parts.
Filth and sediment,the heavier things sink to the bottom.
My quest is to find the weight that has so easily beset me.
For I long to be Spirit-filled and rest my soul in the house of the righteous. Yet I fear the laughter and scorn of the holy for they have obtained a more excellent nature through the purification of themselves by obedience and repentance.
Yet I diet on the childish portions of God’s grace and mercy and am restricted by my memory of past sins which are forgiven,
but not so easily forgotten.
Its now that I look into the dark wicked part of my soul and question this gift of sight that I now possess.
Is the blind man more blessed in his inability?
For the very sight of the hideous iniquities force me to turn away in shame. How is it that the capacity of soul storage can contain such a volume of sin?
I must question the quality of my repentance for herein lies sins of my youth. How can the Holy Spirit of God abide in a temple this filthy?
The abundance of my transgressions restrain my desire to seek holiness.
How can anyone in a lifetime of lifetimes dispose of the quantity that now lies before me?
Why did I come here?
Why did I not remain content to avoid such repulsiveness?
This place is depressing.
The stench of my soul now stains my spirit.
Well enough could have been left alone.
Why did I come here?
This place is so dark, how is it that I can see?
To be blind would be a welcome consolation.
But somehow, I feel in my minds eye this picture will be forever there.
I desire to leave this place….
The gravity of this sin restrains my spirit.
This burden is pulling me down farther still.
I faint at the thought of the depth of these abominations.
Is there no foundations, is there no end?
Down, still down I go.
It becomes reality to me that the general prayers of forgiveness were never sufficient.
Oh, to have known this earlier could have made this descent less depressing.
I’m at my limit, I can take no more.
Why did I come here?
The fantasy of hypocrisy was satisfying.
But I had to know the Truth.
My pride holds me under the surface of God’s grace like a drowning man.
I must breath or die…
I gasp for air but only take in sin.
I long for the pure breeze of my innocent childhood.
The world was my rabbi, I was a devout student.
And even now, I suffer the benefits of my diploma.
Why did I come here?
This must be the flesh.
Surely within my spirit is a defense against this agony and despair.
It must be within me…
Has my request for blindness been granted?
I can see no good thing within me.
I must look with my heart for my eyes have been blinded.
I think I can see but I have no vision.
Yes, I shall close my eyes and look with my heart.
The faintest, but yet it is light.
Praise God my redeemer is the light.
I must breath the light and restore my spirit.
My senses are restored and comprehension returns.
I must be still till the light is within my heart.
The Light speaks, Its comforting…
I must talk to the Light.
“Why did I come here?”
“I sent you” I hear the Light say.
“But is so dark and I’m so afraid.”
“All these iniquities and abominations grow out of fear, this is what you must see first,” says the Light.
“That is contemptible, says the Light, for buried under these things you now see are the virtues you must possess to obtain a place in the house of the righteous.”
“I am perplexed, in that my ability seems to be insufficient for such a task, the effort is beyond me for I tremble and am weak, what is the key to liberate my soul?”
“Your soul longs to be made free and join your spirit to make a worthy vessel for God.”
“I am the Light, the Way and the Truth that bonds your soul and spirit. But you must choose to discard the flesh and allow me to perfect the work that was begun in you at your second birth.”
“O, but I do desire for this filth and abominations are disgusting to me, what do I lack?”
“You lack nothing, says the Light, only your desire remains in your head it is there because of knowledge and wisdom. But these, knowledge and wisdom are not faith. You obtain knowledge and wisdom in your past. Faith is present tense and comes from the heart, God’s throne is established within your heart. For within the mind is lust from imagination, evil from covetousness, anger from your memory, all these are appalling to the Holy One.”
“For the heart has the ability to believe unto righteousness, this is the key,” says the Light.
“But it is my heart that possess all these iniquities, transgressions and abominations, how great all these are that I now see!”
“No my friend,” says the Light,” your heart can only possess the love of God. This place that we are now in is your soul. Your heart is buried beneath all these that you now see. You must get down through these and find your heart.”
“I will, I will, how do I start?”
” Your sins are individually disgusting to God, its only when they become the same way to your being, as is to Him, can you have that mind as Christ Jesus whom was in agreement on all points with God.”
“So be it, I’ll start with this one.”
“Good choice, says the Light, that’s pride. Crack it open on the altar of repentance.”
“I’ve done it and look there inside is light, what is it?’
“That my friend is humility, humility is always encased within pride. It must be cleaned and handled every hour everyday so as to polish away the pride. You have done well continue.”
“This one is next, what is it?”
“That is fear, says the Light, crack it open on the altar of forgiveness.”
I ask, “Why on the altar of forgiveness should it not be on the altar of repentance also?”
“You have accessed forgiveness through repentance, says the Light, continue.”
“I am amazed, look there is more light within, what is this light?”
“That is faith, says the Light, in the absence of faith fear is established.”
“I am feeling so much better, my soul is feeling lighter and I can see my work is worthy, shall I continue?”
“Yes, says the Light, but I must leave now.”
“Recant! I say no! you must not go!”
“I can not stay, for you shall succeed in your work, it is something you must do, I can not do it for you.”
“But Light! I need the Light!”
“But friend, you have the Light, the light of humility and faith, you posses these now, you must trust your forgiveness through repentance. As you deal with the rest of these sins hold to your faith, it is light and with it you will please God. Beware, hold also to humility for without it, man shall think himself to be God. Many have discovered the light of these virtues only to loose them in arrogance and flesh. I say tis in leaving, when your soul is restored to your spirit, take care, for the souls of all mankind belong to God and the soul that sinneth shall surely die.”
I wrote this on August 18, 1998 during a time when I was close to God.
I heard a preacher once say, “The closer I get to God, the more I repent….